Stories I would like to read in 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP MOVES ON TOBACCO
President Trump tweeted: “Wall built. Muslims registered. Next job: tobacco.” Sources close to the Trump administration have explained that the Donald now wants to deal with the real threat to American lives, the business which kills 480,000 Americans every year. Details of the new policy are unclear, but it seems that the President wants to bring back well-paid cigarette manufacturing jobs to the USA. He plans to prohibit the import of cigarettes into the USA. Furthermore, he does not want machines and robots to be destroying American jobs. In future, all cigarettes must be hand-rolled by American citizens. He has ignored expert advice which predicts a 575% increase in cigarette prices because he is “smarter than all the experts.”

 
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MILLION DOLLAR LUNG CANCER TREATMENT “WILL BANKRUPT HEALTHCARE UNLESS WE CAN STOP SMOKING.”
A new multi-million dollar genetically-engineered cure for lung cancer is causing financial difficulties for health services in many countries. An undersecretary in the Health Department, speaking off the record, stated: “ We had no problem with smokers when they died quickly, quietly and cheaply from lung cancer. This new treatment is a game changer. It is highly effective. Lung cancer survivors are campaigning alongside patients to insist that everyone gets the treatment. If this continues, it will bankrupt the Health Department. Our only viable option is to finally get serious about preventing people from smoking.”

 
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CASH SALES OF ALL TOBACCO PRODUCTS BANNED
Cigarettes and all other tobacco products can no longer be purchased with cash. Only credit cards and debit cards which are linked to an approved proof-of-age system will be allowed. This move, modeled on the “adult” websites which require a credit card to access pornography, will make it almost impossible for children to buy tobacco.

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FDA APPROVES E-CIGARETTE FOR SMOKING CESSATION
The FDA has approved the “iQuit” brand of e-cigarette as being a scientifically proven, safe and effective method of smoking cessation. Health Canada and the National Health Service are expected to follow suit. The iQuit e-cigarette will be available on prescription and covered by health insurance policies. It will also be available for use by young people who are smokers, but who are under the legal age to buy e-cigarettes for recreational use.

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TOBACCO EXECUTIVES JAILED
Interpol has announced an enormous international “sting” operation which has resulted in the arrest and imprisonment of 415,204 tobacco industry executives, lawyers, and lobbyists around the world, on charges including murder, crimes against humanity, conspiracy, and racketeering. They face a range of penalties including fines, imprisonment, and, in less civilized countries, death by lethal injection, hanging and stoning. It is said to be the largest ever investigation by Interpol and is expected to tie up the International Criminal Court for decades. Given the seriousness of the offenses, most of the defendants will be denied bail and imprisoned awaiting trial.

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DEVELOPING COUNTRY REJECTS TOBACCO AS “NEOIMPERIALISM.”
His Excellency, the President for Life, Bright Sun of the 21st Century, Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship, Invincible, and Triumphant General stated that his country had no use for the fascist neo-imperialism of Western tobacco companies who were attempting to sully the bright and beautiful young people of his enlightened nation with their poisonous Western products. He has immediately nationalized all the tobacco companies in this country (without compensation) and rescinded the visas of all their foreign employees. All cigarette factories will be destroyed “until not a single brick remains standing.” He called on all leaders of developing countries to do likewise.

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CANADA GETS OUT OF TOBACCO BUSINESS
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that Canada would no longer farm tobacco or manufacture cigarettes. “We got out of the asbestos industry because we recognized that it was inappropriate for Canada to profit by distributing a known carcinogen. Now we are following up by destroying our tobacco crop and shuttering all the cigarette factories in Canada. Why? Because it is 2017!”

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And, finally …

WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION ADOPTS TOBACCO 21
The World Health Organization has amended Article 16 so that it now states:
“Each Party shall .. prohibit the sales of tobacco products to persons under … twenty-one.”
A spokesperson said: “We agree with Dr. John Oyston’s comment in the Canadian Medical Association Journal: “18 or 19 is too young to allow legal access to a known carcinogen, an addictive substance which can never be used safely.” We recognize the great work done by the Institute of Medicine and Dr. Rob Crane’s Toacco21 movement. Raising the age to 21 globally will reduce smoking initiation, reduce the prevalence of smoking, improve health at all stages of life, and save lives.